The Profile Makes the Man

 

By Kerri Rehak

“Hey there, sexy. What are you doing tonight? What is it that you are looking for on here?”

Ideally, I am looking for a relationship. I am here to talk to some, meet with several, and maybe spend more time with a few who may have the potential for more. Oh yeah, that and because about half of you have potential to be research subjects for my next article. You are what we call, “the what not to dos” and I hate to judge a book by its cover but darling, you are an easy read.

“Did you expect differently? He has a soul patch!”

A friend questioned my judgment as I sent him another humorous first message. Goodness, no! This is exactly what I expected from the fella with the soul patch, sunglasses, and arms behind head. In fact, the reason I swiped right on this sweet gentleman is that I was making the guess that he would send me a message in the style that he did.

I have been compiling groups of men and boys based on their pictures and basic “about me” profiles. What are the factors that immediately differentiate those with potential vs. the so-called “fuck boys”?

I understand you work out. I do not understand why you are flexing and shirtless in every one of your pictures. You are not at the beach or pool. Yes, you have a great body but put your damn shirt back on!

You are looking for a relationship with a good woman. I do not understand why you expect anyone to buy that with you surrounded by silicone and mini skirts in your main picture.

Cool, you like fishing. I do not understand why you have such a big smile on your face holding up that four-inch fish. This just makes me wonder what other little things you think you should be proud of.

Recently I received a message asking if because I was a writer, would I be interested in writing his profile for him? This was not the first time I have been offered a gig writing through a dating app. This was not the first time I have been offered money in return for a service through a dating app. Financially, I love the idea. Morally, I hate it because no one is going to get to know you if you are not the one expressing yourself.

No, I won’t write your profile for you but let me give you a few tips.

1) Put your shirt back on. I get it; you look good naked. Put your damn clothes back on.

2) Actually, have something written on your profile. Bonus points for clever charm and wit. I don’t want none unless you got puns, Hun.

3) “That’s not my kid in the picture” WHY? Have you ever spoken to people on a dating app? There are creepers and no shortage of them. If you are a parent, you own the right to post a picture of your own kid. If it is not your child, don’t do it.

4) You don’t need a drink in your hand in every picture. Congratulations, you need a twelve step program, not a date.

5) The fish ‘ain’t that big. Don’t be so proud of it, and darling, not everyone wants to see a picture of it.

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