My Lost Lover – A Short Story

Welcome to a story that close to my heart. Follow it each day as a new path is revealed, it is bound to titillate the senses and leave you begging for more.

On this journey of self-discovery, I didn’t realize all the aspects that would encompass..some more comforting than others, and some more surprising than others. At my age, the senses are heightened including my desires for sex.  I have been a relatively responsible adult who leaned more towards the practical, laid back existence but all that was changing now. Having retired at a rather young age due to health issues, personal life issues, I felt my responsibility was to take care of my loved ones, friends, strangers, that is what I felt that I knew best how to take care of others… On July 1, 2016, everything changed…first I stopped watching the News, the Media in general.  I often was distracted by the News, Gossip Magazines, Movies, anything that might distract me from living my own life.  Oh, I had my dreams, my desires, my needs but put them on the back burner for decades… I don’t want to mislead you into thinking I always lived a dull life, nothing of the sort. That sounds ungrateful and I am far from being ungrateful, I am a woman who just lost her way. I think we all do possibly during certain spans of our life, and sometimes because of unforeseen circumstances… For instance our relationships or the lack of thereof, our jobs, our family, friends, our health…

Does the term “Go with the Flow” ring a bell?

Well, I’ve decided going with the flow isn’t necessarily the direction I want to be going in any longer. Back to July 1st, 2016, a day that spun my life into an amazing adventure, a new direction, one that was going against the current. FB became a large part of the events that follow, I know you’re probably saying FB.  Well it became a resource, a connection really to reconnecting to my past.  Well, who wants to go back there you might ask, apparently I did, but not to stay in, just to visit it. There I Was Like any other Day On My exercise Bike Pedaling away When My Phone Alerted Me that Some One Was contacting Me on FB.  Well, an old lover just reached me…I stopped pedaling because my heart rate escalated with the mere thought of this man… Before long we were in contact daily via text messages, FB Messenger, phone calls, yes I have swept away.  It almost felt like no time had passed between us when in reality the last time I met up with him & had sex with him was in 2000. Our original meeting was in 1991.  We had an ongoing affair for years until one day we just didn’t.  Well, this encounter leads to weight loss, more energy then I could keep up with.  My mind was racing out of control and to top it off I regained an unbelievable sex drive so much so I consulted with my doctor. The silly woman they said, enjoy because there is nothing physically wrong with you… My desire for sex kept growing every day so I thought if I exercised more that would help remedy my desires..just the opposite occurred, hey I said I was older now not a genius in these matters..giggling I have never experienced so many orgasms in my life, I mean come on I could get off my exercise bike walk across the room and explode in an orgasm..if my pants rode up against my mound tightly, again another orgasm.  Not to mention the sexual correspondence I was having with my past lover.  I would have at least 3 orgasm’s a day with and without my sex toys.  I was going through more vibrator’s, pink ones, purple ones, clitoral ones, internal shaped penis ones…I was getting a workout all right. Then I started being contacted by a few other male classmates that I graduated with, more talk of sex, more desire to know that even at this age we still had the need and desire to be fully satisfied sexually…thus an encounter with a particular man that I went to Jr. High & High school with.  We always had a connection, always smiled in silence and this went on for at least six years.  You know the saying Silence is Golden, well it also was frustrating in some respects…there were a few times we got the nerve up to snicker and say hi. We both had a come hither look but we’re too shy perhaps to pursue any true encounter. He was always surrounded by girls…

but once I managed to rub up against him in the hallway… and the connection was there.

We ever so briefly had eye contact that seemed to penetrate us both and we smiled at each other as we both got it, we both felt that special something.. It never went further than that, a missed opportunity perhaps, a missed relationship, a missed, well you get it, it just wasn’t meant to be, or was it…

Here it is 2016 and 2 people about to turn the same age are connecting..awww Time for a trip to the past, with the possibility of a New Beginning… After almost two months of correspondence with not only two men from my past but three….just how much desire can one person contain, well I was about to find out. Headed back to my hometown on the train seemed like the obvious choice, back to where these luscious men are. Let me backtrack a bit and say that now not only was I excited in meeting my past lover but the two other men I have been having endless sexting with, & phone sex with they are all going to meet me as well. I felt so excited, so nervous, so so naughty, it was marvelous… My encounter with my past High School chum began to escalated to the point we were making plans to meet in IL and drive off on a road trip that was full of Sex, Sex, Sex… Our sexting was so unbelievable, we both wanted to encounter true passion, a connection that even went beyond a sexual encounter..it seemed like the more we got to know each other the more vulnerable but excited we felt. We shared each other in our conversations, pictures, voice messages with his sounds of moaning as he ejaculated in the shower as I went into great detail what I would be doing to him if I was there with him.  This went on for a couple of months…our expectations which we both promised we wouldn’t have to keep escalating…when I talked with him on the phone I giggled like a young girl, I squirmed around like a dog in the heat…

I experienced endless orgasms with this man and we hadn’t physically technically even been together YET!

I felt like I was on cloud nine most days, the idea that this could be a reality was driving me wild.  It seemed it showed because no matter where I went or whom I talked to they could see, hear and feel all the positive vibes that were generating from me.  I was laughing, giggling and smiling ear to ear all the time.  Even the elderly people at the grocery store that I would see and help twice a week new something was up.  One older gentleman said to me as he winked, your being satisfied aren’t you…wow I must have turned a very bright shade of red because I could feel the furnace inside me building up. I was returning home to meet this fine delectable man… Our first plan of action was to meet at a hotel have passionate sex and then drive off for two weeks into the sunset… I had even put off seeing my past lover so I could be with my schoolmate my soon to be, new lover. Let me backtrack and give you some insight into how I met Lance, my lover in 1991. Where do I start, in the beginning, the middle or the end?  But the ending has altered into a second beginning perhaps… I am a 36 yr old female… I’m so excited & scared, but mostly excited as I enter a bar/Hob Nob in my Hometown with my girlfriend & her date.  I am recently divorced after a 20 yr long relationship & marriage.  I haven’t dated since I was 17 so this experience itself is daunting but as I mentioned before, extremely exciting.  I have no expectations at this point as we enter the smoke-filled room, noisy with chatter & music which is to be expected.  I have a stomach ache full of excitement and I tell myself to breathe & take it all in.  I’m a smiler & I might look seductive but in a young girl kind of way.  Early on in the evening as we stood at the large oblong bar I glance over to the other side… Okay, this is the moment the whole evening changes.  There he is, there he is, this dark haired very Handsome and Intriguing man smiling at me. I was so nervous that I looked around to see if he was looking at someone else, yes a little lack of self-esteem on my part.  My girlfriend noticed our glances and she encouraged me to buy him a beer.  I said what, no way, you mean I can do that.. well I did say I haven’t dated since I was 17 things have changed.  So I stood there giggling, and wiggling around until I got the courage up to order him a beer.  Well at that very moment he moved from his spot to go talk to someone else just as the bartender put the glass of beer down where he was standing.  His friend was there & at that point, my expression must have indicated no that wasn’t for you it was for that gorgeous man that just left your side.  My friend looked at my flustered puzzled look I had on my face and gave a laugh to loosen me up.  Well then before I knew it he was back to that place across the bar.  The bartender said that the beer was for him and that it was from me, he pointed me out.  Well, he got a big smile on his face ear to ear and my surprise came from the other side of the bar and stood right in front of me thanking me for the beer.  I stood there in total shock, what was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say…how was I supposed to feel? All of these emotions coming at me all at once.  Well I said hi and he introduced himself and I swear I just stood there with a big smile on my face & I’m sure my cheeks so blushed from the heat that was generating through me.  His name is Lance, seriously Lance… he looked into my eyes and I just melted, totally and completely mesmerized. He stood tall, slender, dark hair, dark eyes and the most amazing long curly eyelashes I’d ever seen. To be honest, I know we talked and I haven’t a clue what either one of us said to each other; all I know is when I left the bar he had my address and Lance was coming to my house to see me that evening.  He had to run his friend home first… Well, I left the bar and to be honest I don’t remember if I drove my car or if my friend and her boyfriend drove.  Either way, I made it home and now I was in a panic. Now what, what are his expectations what are my expectations what the hell am I doing?  Well since he was coming to my home very early in the morning I knew this was not just about a visit to chat, so with that in mind, I ran to my closet and put on my red lingerie and my black lingerie robe of the same silky material.  I spent time looking in the mirror and checking on my hair, putting on more lipstick making sure my long nails looked all right and then the whole while thinking what if he never really shows up!  Seriously the tension just grew, the anticipation grew, yes I was pretty much a mess.  Then there was a knock at the door and I felt like a teenager again on a first date. Even though I didn’t look like one I felt just as inexperienced as one. I am there at the door, he is there but on the other side, smiling a very sexy smile, I’m trembling… I let him in the door, and honestly, I’m blushing all over from excitement, I’m still smiling and giggling but not for much longer.  I thought what I was feeling was already more then I could bear, but when you looked at me, looked through me and pushed me up against the wall I knew then I would be yours forever.  We kissed, and the passion just kept growing & I no longer felt giggly, no longer felt shy but the desire that grew inside me was one of pure lust, and passion.  This man was breaking down my barriers, my self-doubt and fears, I was his, at least for this night, at least for this night, thank God. When this night of Sex was over, when he left giving me hugs and kisses and goodbye, was it over I asked myself, could he have only passed through my life and left this unforgettable impression on me, my body, my emotions just this once.  Pleasant surprise it was not just this one night it was escapades of sex, fun, and laughter on and off for several years. You had late night hours at the printing shop and I would get a call from you to join you on your break, you would sneak me into the building and on top of the roof, where we explored each other until we both had gratification… more laughter followed as you tried sneaking me out of the building unseen… Often after you got off work late into the night, and early morning you came by & comforted me in my king size water bed which we both came to love & enjoy.  We spent many amazing & enjoyable nights together… The sex was always terrific but the time you spent cuddling me, talking and sleeping with me made me realize I was bonding to you beyond any expectations I may have had, I tried not to have any… We went on drives in my metallic green rag top convertible Mustang…I think you enjoyed that car more then I did, which I didn’t think possible..you came to my workplace, I was so flattered & wanted to show you off to my coworkers…we went to Milwaukee to a Festival, you drove & you brought a friend and so did I actually I felt like they were both third Wheels we had more fun than they did. Then one day pretty early on in the relationship I got pregnant and after two and a half months I lost the baby our baby.  The Dynamics of the relationship then started to change and I was so flattered when you invited me to your apartment for the very you first time since we had been going out & I didn’t know exactly what that meant and I kept feeling like there was something you wanted to tell me.  I became very attached to you and very much in love with you which was not something I had planned at all… As time went on we saw less and less of each other in 1993 You told me you got engaged to somebody and this was after we had sex in my bed together so I just couldn’t understand why you were getting engaged and so I asked you straight out why are you getting married and you said you thought it was probably the right thing to do because of your age 25 and that you thought you should probably be having kids, & of course I never told you I had gotten pregnant with your child I didn’t really see the point.  Well I think for a whole year after that I was sleeping around like crazy with young guys that had dark hair and dark eyes trying to find somebody that was like you that looked like you, but sorry it just never happened.  Unlike yourself I started a relationship with somebody in 1994 & we dated for 2 years got married 96 and then divorced in 98 I used bad judgment going into that relationship…. after that I really got into my career started a new job and then out of the blue in 2000 you and I met up in a motel close to where I worked and spent an unbelievable night together.  You are still married and you just had your first child so I still knew this was not going to go anywhere and I had just started dating someone and decided that’s probably the person I should be with.  Once again I’m unconsciously trying to find somebody that was just like you or as close as I could find but it didn’t happen.  I went to the other extreme and found a very loving man but not a very sexual man. I don’t know if I was I trying to punish, deprive myself or what… One day they reconnect after sixteen years, thanks to Social Media.  That time, like so many over the many years,

I kept searching for his name… I just wanted to contact him.  It happened, and boy did it happen.

This woman, me, was transported back in time, back to when they first met, when the extraordinary happened at least in my life which had become average, confusing & mundane.  This Superlative feeling had me throwing caution to the wind.  All those same feelings resurfaced almost too quickly, I could barely catch my breath. I went from living a life with comfortable predictability to experiencing emotions that became overwhelming in a short period. It began to feel nonsensical really, why was I reacting this way it’s because I remember what this feels like what Lance felt like. So with that said I let logic fly out the door and my feelings went into overdrive, like 120 miles an hour… Blushing, giggling, fidgeting around like I did when I met him.  This was all happening from text messages, phones calls… I mean, come on! What if Lance was standing right in front of her again.  I went from a quiet and reflective person to verging on total exhilaration. We have spent countless days and weeks on phones calls and text messages… but then a massive miscommunication more on my part as I think I kept reading between the lines which were a big mistake, but when we talked on the phone I could really hear what Lance was saying or trying to say, and in text messages not so much… Talking on the phone is what I really, really enjoy and even if it’s not every day I’d still rather hear your voice and what you had to say on the phone then in a text message. I think it just seems more real to me.  Into a new second beginning ♡♡

So I arrived in IL on Friday and all I can think about is our meeting. After I arrived my focus is on family, the connection has been more satisfying then I realized. My Niece & Nephew embraced there silly Aunt with so much love and no judgment. I feel so happy, so free to be me, and not full of worry or concern. After playing and getting endless love, Hugs and kisses from my Grand-Nephew’s and Grand-Niece’s I felt what unconditional love is really like. I am anxious to see Lance but not quite as much as before I arrived. Maybe part of the void I was experiencing was being filled up with the great conversation and so much love my family. Lance and I continue to chat and decided I would meet him at his house at 5 pm on Monday. Well as I reached his house he called to say he was running late because of his job, so he talked to me for like 45 min., letting me know how excited & anxious he was to see me, that he felt like it was Christmas and I was his gift. I, of course, was very flattered. I felt more nervous as time passed a total of 2 hours. I will be honest and say I just wanted to drive away.

Well, he pulled into his driveway where I sat sitting nervously waiting.

So many thoughts running through my mind, they just wouldn’t be quiet for a minute. He got out of his car as did I and the first thing he said was I looked beautiful and I hadn’t changed since he saw me last… He had changed, his black hair was now turning grey, he was more muscular and 30 lbs heavier, better looking then I imagined, how is that possible… So as soon as we got inside we had a very passionate kiss, hug, and another kiss…oh yeah it was marvelous, I was shaking and scared beyond belief… He showed me around the house, I barely noticed a thing. He wanted me to feel at home, offered me to stay as long as I like except on days he has his children… We talked a while, he ate a hamburger, we talked some more and Lance had changed. He seems bitter, tired and frustrated with his life. His marriage and divorce left him very very bitter and angry. He still harbors bad bad feelings about his ex-wife. She raked him over the coals in the divorce. His visitation rights to see his kids are limited to the degree of emotional distress. He is working ungodly hours to provide for them, it’s like a double edge sword as his hours cause interference with his precious time with his Daughter & Son. I do not see any balance in his life, thus his bitterness. Women are things to offer some pleasure in their limited time constraints. This has been going on for five years. Between his physical pain which is only silenced with the aid of self-medication and prescription medicine, his emotional pain seems even more daunting. My heart hurts for him so much, this is the first time I feel like there is nothing I can offer him. I’m not sure he would even feel how much passion and love I have for him. I’m not sure he can. He saddens me to the point I barely recognize him anymore. Can we remain, friends, because I’m afraid to be his lover, he has had so so many. I am not judging him this is all he has time for. I just don’t think the timing will ever be right for us… He asked over and over to come and stay overnight so on Monday, September 26th I headed over to his house with a heavy heart. No expectations really but still I’m going against my gut instinct to stay home. He welcomed me at the door with passionate kisses and long hugs again. I have to admit that felt very satisfying once again. He is still very attractive to me. He is free with compliments and concern for my comfort. We talked again but with a confrontational attitude. He’s so hard on himself he kept apologizing it was hard for me to understand where this is all coming from. I don’t dare mention another man’s name as he gets quite jealous & he repeated quite often that he thought about me all these years that he always loved me. Is this what I wanted to hear? Now that I’m hearing, is this how I should feel? Since he just got home from work Lance excused himself so he could go take a shower and at that same moment, I decided to go change my clothes as well. I had already told him that I did not want to have intercourse with him at this juncture.

So I did what I do best I gave him Blow jobs……

That is something he enjoys and it also satisfies me… The thing that I like most is laying in his bed cuddling he loves to cuddle and touch and touch and say sweet things. We have a few things in common but more things not in common or don’t agree on. He doesn’t have a problem saying what’s on his mind including the fact that I talk too much, I laugh too much, I am just too happy…what??? Still whatever he said seemed like it had a ring of sadness, bitterness, and hopelessness. The only thing that keeps him going is his children and his close bond with his eleven-year-old son. I tried sleeping in bed with him but his snoring and talking in his sleep because before bed he had to smoke Pot, pop a Xanax and a Sleeping pill and he Smokes like a chimney. I have all my faults as well I’m not trying to lay judgment on him it just didn’t seem like a very healthy environment. My main feeling about Lance anymore is that I just want to help him and I don’t think I want to keep being a caregiver anymore which is my instinct but for once in my life, I want to take care of myself. I think I’m going to put this wonderful Love story to bed and leave it where it was all those many years ago in the past… I hope when I convey this to him he will feel the same way. I could remain friends but I’m not sure he can… He’s continually calling & texting, during the day he is like a kind caring person but then at night after he takes whatever drugs he’s taking, is like a different person who is unhappy, impatient & nasty. He tries to make me feel bad about myself. I feel pretty helpless very sad but I just can’t let this man bring me down. I can remain friends but can he…

L.A. Black

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