By Kerri Rehak
Like many of us; I have been hurt, abused, and let down. The idea of giving someone the power and control to hurt me again goes against everything I have rebuilt. Against everything that feels right.
I have written where I have joked and teased. Referred to relationships and titles as words capable of causing anaphylaxis for others. Well, find me my EPI-pen. I’m breaking out in hives. My throat is closing. I’m turning blue. Someone save me, I started trusting you.
I spent eight years with someone I knew I wasn’t good for or to me, always trying to make it work. Relationships of any kind need work, we all know this. However, our relationship needs work now, to even take off. I am petrified to start something new that is already needing improvements from the get-go.
I promise, when it is right, you will know.
“When it is right, it won’t be something you will even consider stopping.”
“You’ll know the right person when they make not you only want to be you all the time but help you to the best you that you can be.”
But I can’t imagine ever not questioning. Ever being with anyone and trusting my own judgment. I’ve spent so long trying to convince myself (and everyone else) that everything was good when it wasn’t. Will I even know the difference now? Will I recognize the signs?
I will. I do. I know I will because I run at every sight of them. Run at every disappointment. Run at every bitten tongue. Run at every sign of attachment.
“No?” You ask me every time I shake my head. It’s not at you. No. It’s what I’m telling myself, my silent reminder to keep my walls up.
Defend against the tightness in my chest and the butterflies in my veins.
Protection from your smile and the way you make me laugh.
I’ve said, that with writing about relationships, I will always keep at least one dating app active. ‘Research material’. I realized hadn’t checked it in about a month. I deleted the last message off my phone with nearly eighty unread messages. All messages that I had no interest in looking at.