Previously on L.A. Black – Talking on the phone is what I really, really enjoy and even if it’s not every day I’d still rather hear your voice and what you had to say on the phone then in a text message. I think it just seems more real to me. Into a new second beginning ♡♡
So I arrived in IL on Friday and all I can think about is our meeting. After I arrived my focus is on family, the connection has been more satisfying then I realized. My Niece & Nephew embraced there silly Aunt with so much love and no judgment. I feel so happy, so free to be me, and not full of worry or concern. After playing and getting endless love, Hugs and kisses from my Grand-Nephew’s and Grand-Niece’s I felt what unconditional love is really like. I am anxious to see Lance but not quite as much as before I arrived. Maybe part of the void I was experiencing was being filled up with the great conversation and so much love my family. Lance and I continue to chat and decided I would meet him at his house at 5 pm on Monday. Well as I reached his house he called to say he was running late because of his job, so he talked to me for like 45 min., letting me know how excited & anxious he was to see me, that he felt like it was Christmas and I was his gift. I, of course, was very flattered. I felt more nervous as time passed a total of 2 hours. I will be honest and say I just wanted to drive away.
Well, he pulled into his driveway where I sat sitting nervously waiting.
So many thoughts running through my mind, they just wouldn’t be quiet for a minute. He got out of his car as did I and the first thing he said was I looked beautiful and I hadn’t changed since he saw me last… He had changed, his black hair was now turning grey, he was more muscular and 30 lbs heavier, better looking then I imagined, how is that possible… So as soon as we got inside we had a very passionate kiss, hug, and another kiss…oh yeah it was marvelous, I was shaking and scared beyond belief… He showed me around the house, I barely noticed a thing. He wanted me to feel at home, offered me to stay as long as I like except on days he has his children… We talked a while, he ate a hamburger, we talked some more and Lance had changed. He seems bitter, tired and frustrated with his life. His marriage and divorce left him very very bitter and angry. He still harbors bad bad feelings about his ex-wife. She raked him over the coals in the divorce. His visitation rights to see his kids are limited to the degree of emotional distress. He is working ungodly hours to provide for them, it’s like a double edge sword as his hours cause interference with his precious time with his Daughter & Son. I do not see any balance in his life, thus his bitterness. Women are things to offer some pleasure in their limited time constraints. This has been going on for five years. Between his physical pain which is only silenced with the aid of self-medication and prescription medicine, his emotional pain seems even more daunting. My heart hurts for him so much, this is the first time I feel like there is nothing I can offer him. I’m not sure he would even feel how much passion and love I have for him. I’m not sure he can. He saddens me to the point I barely recognize him anymore. Can we remain, friends, because I’m afraid to be his lover, he has had so so many. I am not judging him this is all he has time for. I just don’t think the timing will ever be right for us… He asked over and over to come and stay overnight so on Monday, September 26th I headed over to his house with a heavy heart. No expectations really but still I’m going against my gut instinct to stay home. He welcomed me at the door with passionate kisses and long hugs again. I have to admit that felt very satisfying once again. He is still very attractive to me. He is free with compliments and concern for my comfort. We talked again but with a confrontational attitude. He’s so hard on himself he kept apologizing it was hard for me to understand where this is all coming from. I don’t dare mention another man’s name as he gets quite jealous & he repeated quite often that he thought about me all these years that he always loved me. Is this what I wanted to hear? Now that I’m hearing, is this how I should feel? Since he just got home from work Lance excused himself so he could go take a shower and at that same moment, I decided to go change my clothes as well. I had already told him that I did not want to have intercourse with him at this juncture.
So I did what I do best I gave him Blow jobs……
That is something he enjoys and it also satisfies me… The thing that I like most is laying in his bed cuddling he loves to cuddle and touch and touch and say sweet things. We have a few things in common but more things not in common or don’t agree on. He doesn’t have a problem saying what’s on his mind including the fact that I talk too much, I laugh too much, I am just too happy…what??? Still whatever he said seemed like it had a ring of sadness, bitterness, and hopelessness. The only thing that keeps him going is his children and his close bond with his eleven-year-old son. I tried sleeping in bed with him but his snoring and talking in his sleep because before bed he had to smoke Pot, pop a Xanax and a Sleeping pill and he Smokes like a chimney. I have all my faults as well I’m not trying to lay judgment on him it just didn’t seem like a very healthy environment. My main feeling about Lance anymore is that I just want to help him and I don’t think I want to keep being a caregiver anymore which is my instinct but for once in my life, I want to take care of myself. I think I’m going to put this wonderful Love story to bed and leave it where it was all those many years ago in the past… I hope when I convey this to him he will feel the same way. I could remain friends but I’m not sure he can… He’s continually calling & texting, during the day he is like a kind caring person but then at night after he takes whatever drugs he’s taking, is like a different person who is unhappy, impatient & nasty. He tries to make me feel bad about myself. I feel pretty helpless very sad but I just can’t let this man bring me down. I can remain friends but can he…